Relating to Sexual Dispositions
(By Brad Bailey, a pastoral “work-in-progress” - September 2017)
Sexuality refers to the way we experience and express ourselves as sexual beings. It relates to our experience with our bodies, our emotions, our identity, our pursuit of bonding, our potential to create life and legacy….and if we believe we live in relationship to God…then it relates to how we honor our God’s design and desires.
The ways in which this is experienced can be a confusing and even painfully conflicted process for some. How we think about what is healthy sexuality has become a polarizing issue for nearly everyone. In recent decades many have tried to emerge from the isolated closets of feeling different in their very nature due to bearing attraction to their own gender. The culture at large has been trying to understand a phenomena once deemed best left in the shadows. Similar in terms of its social process is the reality of those whose internal sense of gender does not easily align with the expectations of their biological gender. This can lead to the dynamics associated with the term “transgender” and other terms reflecting diversity of one’s gender related identity. How should we think about the nature of sexual dispositions which do not align with what is the more common nature of human sexuality?
If one tends to consider such an issue as simple… able to be summed up with a one line position...they may not be one who values what will be shared here. I have found that quick simple positions tend to be more political than personal in nature. One may feel compelled by a presentation they read or hear…and that particular point becomes a defining point that helps them feel clear…and often… feel right and proudly so. Such points can include a wide spectrum of valuable ideas… “It’s just wrong…. biologically against nature.”… “People are born that way…so they have to be free to be who they are.”… “God said it’s wrong…and that is all there is to it.”… “All people should be treated equal…and to not affirm all expressions of sexuality as good is to discriminate.” These may all be reasonable ideas …but I find that when we simplify everything down to one point which we feel settles everything… the simplicity is often one which gives us comfort at the expense of the clarity needed to speak to the true breadth of issues involved.
It may be helpful to understand that the simplicity of “sides” which polarizes people is often rooted in the “politics of sexuality.” The “politics of sexuality” reflects the desire to control what should be deemed good and acceptable as a social culture. People who care for the common good can become embedded in differing concerns and fears that lead to passionate and polarizing positions. For some, affirming all expressions of sexuality is understood as the civil rights issue of our day, and must be fought for with all the conviction of those who want to achieve equality and justice for a group now recognized as victims of prejudice… lest we bear the shame of our past ignorance. For others, affirming all expressions of sexuality is understood as a fundamental surrender of our most basic sense of biological, social and moral order… a tragedy for which one bears a responsibility to protect the good of the future and future generations. Too often, because such deep concerns have developed inside each “side,” discussions can result in plenty of intensity but little interaction… plenty of contention but little compassion… plenty of heat but little light.
Into such strength of feelings, I would implore all of us to humility and compassion. We need humility to ground us as fellow human beings who share limitations in our grasp of the deeply complicated nature of what is involved with sexuality…as well as our own moral nature. Let’s be honest with a subtle but significant fact: anyone can become “self-righteous” when having the right “position” is confused with being a morally superior “person.” When Jesus was confronted by a crowd prepared to stone a woman to death who had been caught in adultery, he pronounced that it was fitting for those without sin to go ahead and cast the first stone. Needless to say… slowly every stone was dropped… “beginning with the oldest first.” (John 8:1-11) If given the space to stop and reflect, we can all realize that life has a way of challenging our self-righteousness. Similarly, every side can find fault with certain aspects of their opponent’s position and ignore any challenges to their own. We must remain humble enough to keep identifying with the common ground that we share as both valuable and imperfect beings.
We also need to stop relegating compassion to being some sort of secondary virtue we can cast aside for the sake of our grand cause. When someone posed the question, “Is it more important to be right or to be kind?” … there was wisdom in the response that said: “We’re never right if we aren’t kind.” Kindness does not require being mild. Kindness is that which binds us in a basic regard and respect for the dignity of another. It may include passionate confrontation of another’s ideas and choices…but never merely in a self-serving or publicly exploitive manner.
I am writing as a pastor with a desire to help lives consider the cultural and personal tensions involved with sexuality. There are many who face personal tensions between their own sexual disposition and their relationship with God. There are many who feel tensions between loving those with such sexual dispositions and being faithful to the God revealed in the Scriptures whose love they have come to know. Many feel a chasm between honoring convictions and honoring compassion. There are also many for whom the issue of sexual dispositions has become a cause for feeling adversarial towards the Bible or the Church…believing that they represent an outdated and ignorant source of hatred towards homosexuality. It is these types of tensions which I hope to offer some thought and perspective.
Some General Perspective That May Serve Our Approach
As I have been engaging the issues of sexual disposition for the past twenty-five years out a desire to think and love well… both personally and pastorally, the more I have found that there are some underlying principles which I believe can serve engaging such a deep aspect of life …and our conversation with one another.
Getting beyond the presumption that that we are engaging a single dimension…and embracing the need to consider the different focuses another may have.
I believe one of the primary reasons why sexuality is such a difficult issue to engage and discuss is because there are usually multiple issues becoming mixed together. Some of the questions include:
What is God’s perspective? Is it really clear? What does it imply?
What is the cause or nature of various sexual dispositions… are such desires merely a matter of choice or are they an inborn unchanging orientation?
How should one personally respond to sexual dispositions…within themselves…or within others?
How should we engage the political - cultural war regarding sexual dispositions and other common forms of “acceptance?”
The point is that often we are responding to one dimension and missing the primary focus that another may have. When someone is trying to share their deeply personal process regarding their own sexuality or that of a loved one, a response that is rooted in the political - cultural war, however valid it may be in that dimension, may not connect to the personal process at hand. The simple truth is that sexuality is not just one issue, but many…so when we try to talk about sexual dispositions, it may be helpful to stop and talk about what aspect is really at hand.
Getting beyond the premise of control…and embracing influence
I believe that one of the strongest forces which divides lives is the presumption of control. At some point in our individuation process, no one wants to be controlled. We naturally resist being told what is right or what we must do…as a way to declare our individuation. This can be a very healthy process. What is often missed is the reality that we never truly can control others or be controlled. While we are profoundly connected and even bound in responsibility to others…we are individual beings. We have freedom…and such freedom includes the burden of responsibility. Therefore, our tendency to fight for control is often a reflection of false presumptions from one or both sides of relationship.
If we can overcome the illusion of control, we will find we are able to best embrace what we do have…which is influence. When we engage issues of what is right regarding navigating sexual dispositions…whether on a political level or personal level… it can make a profound difference if we realize that we are not fighting for ultimate control…but rather are engaging one another’s influence.
I believe that my role as the pastor is one of influence more than control. I embrace this role as having been called by God and the community to establish what is deemed true and good…and to bring that forth as best I understand through a reasonable degree of relationship. To those who read this and either have been participating or are considering participating in the Westside Vineyard church which I serve, I do not believe we all have to initially agree in order to gather. Our weekend gatherings in particular, are to be as wide open as the hillsides and crowds where Jesus first taught. Like those first settings, he is the center around which we gather… and ultimately it is a place of engaging and entering the life he has for us. The only boundaries we place on our gatherings is that we understand that Christ is the center …and that they be a fundamentally safe and respectful place to seek God and grow.
I won’t abdicate my responsibility as the pastor - teacher of this spiritual community… which involves seeking to be faithful to the centrality of Christ, the authority of the Scriptures, and the work of the Spirit in our midst. But let me just say up front that I know some may disagree with the perspective I share. Some of us may need to begin with respectfully agreeing to disagree… and to listen and learn from one another… with openness towards God. (As noted at the end of these notes, I welcome you to email me to discuss this further.)
Getting beyond the premise of certainty….and embracing faithfulness
I have come to accept that I may be wrong in my understanding on this issue. I have come to embrace that my responsibility is to be faithful more than certain. My views could change. In fact, if I am faithful to the pursuit of what is true and good, then I must remain open to the possibility of change. I have honestly sought to be challenged by many different perspectives…which continually help me to think deeply about what is true and good. However, freedom from certainty does not mean freedom from the responsibility to be faithful to what I best understand.
Getting beyond the premise of hate…and embracing the true nature of love
In the pursuit of social and political control, the nature of “winning” involves drawing a majority of people to one “side.” This can be the nature of formal politics as well as the social politics that play out in schools and workplaces. This often involves creating an enemy ...because people naturally align against a common enemy. A compelling enemy can best be formed by identifying another “group” as truly dangerous and even evil. Creating such an enemy comes with defining sides and then emphasizing the good of one side…and the evil of the other side.
There seems to be an increasing tendency to exploit fear ...by identifying even potential hate in others…which we use to justify why we must hate them in return…even if we tend not to call our hate by it’s name.
The politics of sexuality has developed the designation of one “side” as inherently “homophobic”… discriminatory… against civil rights… and worthy of all the disgust of those full of hate who supported slavery and racial injustice. The other “side” can be deemed as those who are destroying moral sensibility, marriage, and the family and are full of hate for these God-ordained ways of life. Each position and posture considers the other side as inherently motivated and defined by hate. I believe it is this premise of hate which is most deeply dividing us and which we do well to confront.
We will never escape our polarizing contempt until we are willing to give up the false self-righteousness and superiority it plays on. Then we can have the courage to recognize that those we disagree with… may not be simply reflecting hate.
The truth is that most of those who I know who have same sex attraction and gender identity conflict haven’t chosen such feelings and may genuinely love God. Most of those who want to affirm such sexual dispositions, either personally or on behalf of others, don’t simply hate God.
Similarly, most of those who do not affirm the normalcy of such sexual dispositions … don’t hate those who bear them ....nor do they desire to see discrimination from the essentials of civic life.
I believe it is this presumption of hate in others that must be confronted as it creates a polarizing judgment and creates distance rather than dialogue. When each “side” is presumed to be hateful… those who experience various sexual dispositions feel less freedom to share what is personal with family and friends who are deemed to be “against them.” They may feel they must raise the draw bridge to protect themselves… or prepare to decry family and friends who may not agree with their partnering choices.
Those who don’t share an affirmation of same sex partnering or gender transformation can no longer feel free to express their perspective when the culture has accepted the correlation that any perspectives which don’t affirm same sex partnering or gender identity as simply a matter of self-identification, are inherently rooted in hate ...which must be disdained as such.
The premise of hate is the real enemy of dialogue and relationship. Much of the presumption that others are hateful is built on the idea that if we don’t agree with how someone lives… we are hateful. It presumes that if you love someone you affirm them by agreeing with them …and if you don’t affirm how they partner…it reflects hate.
I believe that this premise of hate is both deeply flawed and ultimately leads to becoming more intolerant. The true nature of tolerance is defined by how we extend regard and respect to those we disagree with. When we allow our understanding of tolerance to be re-defined as demanding agreement… it negates the call to tolerance entirely.
This leads to a deeper divide of family, friends, and community. There is an entirely different effect upon a relationship when two people acknowledge disagreeing and consider the other to be “wrong” in their assessment of what is good…than when one or both declare the other to be a “hateful” person. The simple truth is that no one feels safe when their character is judged unfairly. People will never feel safe when we press them to declare their “position” in some simplified manner to serve our desire to judge them and affirm our moral superiority. People will never feel safe when we post our judgments on social media demeaning certain people or positions for all to see. (We may feel we have been heroic… or needed to prove that we are on the “right” side …but we have also sent a warning to anyone who doesn’t agree with us as to how we will treat them.)
Part of confronting the premise of hate is grasping the true nature of love. I believe the true nature of love is not that of agreeing or affirming everything that another does…but rather is reflected in unconditional commitment and care for the good of another…as best as we can understand what that good may be.
What I Believe
I believe that providing pastoral beliefs on sexuality should be done with a desire and manner to honor and serve those to whom it matters most. I do not believe that issues of sexuality should be at the forefront of our communal life…as if this or any similar matter should be an issue as to who gathers to seek God. My desire is to honor those who deserve open and thoughtful engagement on what may be a very personally defining matter…and to serve their process. I believe that having more “hidden” positions can create frustrations for those who discover them later. I also believe that “positions” that do not include process of thought will often not serve clarity nor relationship well. Therefore, I believe that the nature of the church as a community which welcomes all to come seek God can be served by sharing both a position and process of thought on such matters.
I believe that God’s design and desire for human sexuality is rooted in our complimentary nature as male and female… in which each discovers and develops as a gift to the other…and whose union bear life creating potential… bound in covenantal loyalty. God has not given me any understanding from His Word that leads me to understand His design and desire differently. The view of Jesus, the Apostle Paul, and the early Church seem to be rooted in looking to God’s original intention. I am well aware of alternative views. I simply have not found alternative views about what the Scriptures presume to have created a genuine overriding change in understanding God’s design and desire.
I believe this complimentary intention is rooted in what God makes known in the poetic summary in Genesis about who we are. …which all other Scripture refers back to…and which arguably our biological and cultural life testifies to as the good of human flourishing. That is how I understand the whole message of the Scriptures: God is contending for who we really are. God contends against giving ourselves over to any other power that seeks to define us… including sexual dispositions and desires…and including other social sources of identity. I believe our truest selves are reflected in our complimentary nature as male and female… and while that may be hard to experience and develop … I don’t believe that a man’s truest nature is reflected in union with what he already is….nor the same for a woman. Therefore, I do not believe that same-sex partnering reflects God’s design and desire. (I have developed a much longer paper which walks through the various Scriptures.)
I believe that the modern church in general has not provided an appropriate witness that welcomes those who are seeking to understand their sexuality. We, as men in particular, have projected our own shame of sexual brokenness upon others…rather than becoming open and seeking Christ to restore who we are as men and women. As such, we have not been a bright witness to humility and wholeness…but to hypocrisy and shame. Jesus however remains present and meets us as we open ourselves to him.
I believe that both same sex attraction and gender confusion are very real and substantial dispositions which affect a person’s life…sometimes only for a short period… but often throughout a lifetime in various degrees. Such reality cannot be simplified or sidelined by those who truly care about people. The choice for using the single term “sexual dispositions” is not intended to lack understanding for how different the experiences in sexuality are…but simply to choose one term that reasonably can refer to the broad experience of sexual attraction and gender identity.
I believe that such conditions are best understood as a disposition. A significant part of the underlying tension in engaging homosexuality, and other sexual dispositions, is reflected in the conflict between seeing such desires simply as a decision one makes ... or a determination and destiny one has. I believe that it is far more accurate and helpful to understood homosexual desires as neither simply a decision nor a destiny but rather as a disposition. Dispositions are not something one develops of their own volition. Dispositions reflect the very real way we experience life...including how we experience being men or women and the desires for human bonds. Neither do such biological or socialized dispositions reflect how one must live. A disposition is not the same as determination. The fact is that those who seem to bear certain predispositions do not all develop the same patterns in life.
At the time of writing this…the research on all such dispositions seems to continually reflect that there does not appear to be simply biological determination ….nor is such likely to be discovered. It appears more likely that there are some biological factors combined with some environmental or developmental factors…which each influence some degree of disposition. For some, the sense of being different is felt clearly in childhood. For others, a more nuanced conflict rises and fades through the formative years.
I believe that there is a helpful distinction that can be made between the more common experiences associated with development, predominant orientation, and social identity. Based upon years of extensive work with lives navigating same sex attraction and transgender dynamics, Mark Yarhouse developed a helpful distinction regarding homosexuality which I have adapted to serve various dispositions:
Experiences
Yarhouse identifies this with same-sex attraction: this is the most descriptive way people can discuss their experiences. They have feelings of attraction toward members of the same sex. In Laumann et al.’s (1994) study, 6.2% of men and 4.2% of women reported experiencing same-sex attraction. This level of experience could also be applied to those who experience points in which they feel conflict with their biological gender. A young boy may find aggression uncomfortable find an affinity with girls. A young girl might find herself less nurturing and more comfortable with boys. One may be drawn to clothes or toys typically identifies with the opposite gender.
Predominate Orientation
Yarhouse identifies this with sexual orientation: refers to the direction and persistence of one’s experiences of sexual attraction toward the opposite sex, same sex, or both (Crooks and Baur, 2002; Yarhouse and Burkett, 2003). Again, in the Laumann et al. (1994) study, 2.0% of men and 0.9% of women reported a homosexual orientation. This could also apply to one whose conflict with their biological gender is not a matter of more common challenges to socially fit… but who is internally locked in the desire to live as the opposite gender.
Social Identity
Yarhouse identifies this with “gay identity”: this is a socio-cultural label that helps people communicate to others something about their sexual preferences (e.g., “gay”, “straight”, and “bi”). This could also apply to those consider themselves transgender…or desire to identify with any other social form of sexual identity.
These distinctions help differentiate what is often reduced to a single way in which we speak of “homosexuality” or other sexual dispositions. By beginning with the more common aspect of simply experiencing some level of attraction or experience, one is able to refer to such in a descriptive rather than prescriptive manner. Since we know that more lives will experience such attraction or exploration without developing the more dominant desires, it is important to be able to begin with this basic descriptive term. Using the term “sexual orientation” or “transgender” is also descriptive, but it acknowledges that the person inclinations have become more exclusive and extended over time. Most notably, to talk about “gay" identity or similar identity terms is to enter into language that is part of a modern socio-cultural movement. Embracing "gay" as an identity can involve embracing a social subculture in which one may be invited to belong.
As Yarhouse describes, the gay identity represents a cultural movement that offers a “script” about what it means to be “gay.” In general this script often interprets same-sex attractions as that which defines people according to one of three categories: homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. Sexual attraction is given an emphasis of “discovery” – discovering one’s true self, in contrast to “integration” in which such attractions are integrated into other facets that will define who one can choose to be.
I believe that our sexuality has become a means of identity and affirmation which drives us into destructive and unsatisfying behavior. We must consider who we ultimately are…and what defines us. What is to be our central identity? This is not just a question related to homosexuality or transgenderism. The whole of our culture has increasingly given itself to sexuality as a central source of identity. We may all need to look more deeply as what defines us. When Jesus was asked about marriage in heaven, he said there would be no more giving and taking of husbands and wives. (Mark 12:25) The ultimate glorification of human lives involves becoming united with God. We will not ultimately be defined by our sexual unions…but by our relationship with God. As one man described,
“My identity is not bound to my sexuality, but to my Savior (Galatians 2:20). …. my highest goal is not becoming straight, but knowing and loving Christ.”
So to those with homosexual desires who feel that others are not accepting of who you are… my hope is that we can all stop and consider what is meant by wanting to be accepted for “who we are.” My hope is that we will desire to be accepted as persons… accepted in relationship… all quite distinct from implying that every aspect of ourselves should be deemed good and defining of who we are. My hope is that we can realize that “heterosexual” and “homosexual,” like "single" and "married," do not reflect our deepest or most enduring identity.
I believe we need to pierce the silence that causes so many to hide in the shame of such dispositions. It has been a tragic dilemma that for so many years those with same sex attraction and inner conflict with their gender could not acknowledge those feelings. It is our shame that so many have had to live in the closets of self-loathing and fear. Our cultural discomfort and silence has left so many alienated and alone. That is a cultural shame that I share responsibility for.
I believe that those who seek the life of Jesus to live within them can find a unique grace to love others…which includes confessing where we have related to others with fear and superiority…rooted in our own insecurity. We are called to confess what lies between us. We must face whatever God helps us recognize in terms of having lacked love. Confession is simply bringing forth the wrong which lies between us. If we realize that we have had contempt, been uncaring, lacked understanding, or even let fears hinder us…. let us have the courage and love to confess this to those who we seek to live rightly with.
Several years ago as I felt the challenge of Christ’s compassion for those seeking to find true meaning and love out of their homosexual attractions, He reminded me of the tragic immaturity of my past response.
I grew up here near the main local beach where all the local kids came to surf, play volleyball, and hang out. It was also the beach that adjoined what became a world famous gay beach way before there was much public sentiment for any openly gay expression. And the animosity towards those on the neighboring beach was high. I remember plenty of intense exchanges of words and some of force.
A nearby focus of attention was the infamous gay bar just across the road. The Lord reminded me of how one night, after drinking away with my cohorts, we were driving by and I jumped out of the car, kicked open the door to this bar and threw in a lit smoke bomb. I jumped back in the car as we drove off … never to think of it again… until one night about fifteen years later the Holy Spirit brought this to the forefront of my mind.
My heart truly hurt having to face both the attitude and actions of such an animosity. Ten years later God had brought me back to this area and through the Vineyard, many of my closest friends were those dealing with homosexual feelings. By this time I could deeply appreciate our common bond of faith and finding deeper wholeness in God. But this past represented a sin towards not only individuals but also countless lives whom God loves.
That Friday night after an evening ministry gathering…. 15 years after that particular incident… I drove back to that bar so infamously disdained by every kid raised near the beach. I went in and asked for the owner. Little did I know that the owner of the bar owned the primarily gay restaurant just a few doors away. Even more profound… the bartender then told me that the man who owned both establishments … was the same man who operated them 15 years earlier… and was there that night. So I walked over and into the upper scale restaurant and asked for the owner. I told him of what I had done and asked his forgiveness… without denying that we likely disagree in some beliefs. He told me no one had ever come to him like this and he spoke graciously about understanding the ways people can act when they’re young. Then he invited me to come bring my family for dinner.
I believe we will bring affirmation of others best when we recognize the basic distinction between that of affirming the ultimate inherent value of a life... as fundamentally separate from affirming how a particular life may be living out that life in any particular way. I understand that many believe that we only love someone when we embrace their dispositions and inclinations as inherently good…because it is deemed a part of who they are. However, I believe we can embrace a disposition as part of who someone is without presuming that it reflects what is inherently good or positive. Authenticity necessitates acknowledging one’s desires… not necessarily acting on them. Freedom from the closet of silence is rooted in the freedom to acknowledge such longings… rather than presuming that they must be acted upon.
I believe this is consistent with how we best relate to other dispositions. Many unmarried adults have a natural desire to enjoy emotional and sexual partnership with another…but may not have an opportunity to do so with a partner that aligns appropriately with their commitment to God. Many married adult may not feel naturally monogamous, but are encouraged that such faithfulness reflects God’s design and desire…and ultimately the good that will serve our humanity. For those whose very attraction is not naturally for their complimentary gender… or don’t identify with their biological gender… I believe they may bear a significantly greater level of the challenge…but not that which is fundamentally different. Such lives deserve compassion…support…and honor as they potentially can lead many of us in life’s inherent call to submit our desires to God’s desires.
I believe that those with same-sex orientation can find profound affirmation of being created in God’s image…and that their unique nature as a man or woman is a gift to serve others… regardless of what degree of attraction may develop for the opposite gender. I believe that same-sex partnering will neither honor their truest nature nor God’s design and desire. Considerations to partner with their complimentary gender should remain thoughtfully open according to the degree of genuine attraction appropriate to honor such partnering. Apart from such complimentary partnering, I believe one may embrace the celibacy in life which the Apostle Paul described and others have begun rediscovering can bear true goodness and joy.
I believe no one is excluded because of their sexual disposition. Some may consider my perspective to be “excluding” a “group of people.” This would seem to assume that such sexual dispositions are the essential defining nature of a distinct “type” of people….and that such dispositions are inherently good and in need of being followed. I am not inclined to agree with those assumptions. I do understand that our sexuality is a deep part of our identity… and our longing to experience intimacy…and “not be alone.” However, I don’t believe that all of our sexual dispositions and desires define our truest and most essential nature. It seems to me that everyone is on at least a continuum of various confusion about who we are as men and women…and how we should bond with others. It would seem difficult at best to know what designates a different “group” … and what constitutes what is true and good.
So my hope is that there can be some ability to maintain what I see as welcoming people of all dispositions…while not necessarily agreeing that all choices in how one lives out a particular disposition are good. Some may find it difficult to embrace a perspective which welcomes all manner of dispositions while not affirming all choices. However, I do believe some desire to be genuine in their desires while not presuming that such desires reflect God’s best for them. I believe that those lives deserve communities which can provide support and guidance that honors their convictions.
I believe that those who follow Jesus should most naturally stand as a protection against both discrimination and hate of those who bear same sex attraction and conflicted gender identity. I believe this begins with standing against social disrespect, hate, or harm. I believe this also includes a commitment to equal access to education or work in which such matters do not conflict with the role being served….and any common rights which can naturally be extended to all lives.
I believe that God’s design for “marriage” is the marital union that distinctly lies in the joining of a man and a woman. As such, I believe I cannot bless a same sex marriage because it does not reflect the nature of a marital union as I understand it. At the same time I believe that those who follow Jesus should focus on supporting their own honor of marriage rather on how others may choose to partner.
Conclusion
In sharing these points of perspective, my hope is to reflect that such a position is not rooted in hate. It is a position that is rooted in what I understand as caring for the good of another…as best as I can understand what that good is. If love is that which cares for the true good of another… then I will seek to best assess what God has revealed about our sexuality from what is revealed in Scripture…as well as prayer, anatomy, history, research, experience, and more. I realize that some may believe that any reference to God’s design and desire is itself simply a problem because it is deemed to impose an outdated view of sexuality that is harmful. My hope is that one could respect that some of us are responsible to consider what we believe God has revealed as well as consider the various ways in which such may be reflected in the outworking of human good. What I believe will help us engage our initial differences best is that of respecting that there are different valid points to be made about what serves the ultimate good regarding human sexuality…and that genuine love will focus on engaging those points rather than simply declaring another view as hateful.
My hope is that those who hold a different position could consider my assessment to be wrong… perhaps harmful…but not inherently hateful. In turn, I can begin with a similar posture, and not presume that those who have come to a different position are inherently rooted in hate. I believe such a posture can serve communities and families who may be divided in perspective.
I believe that when different communities who desire to be faithful to Jesus disagree on issues of sexuality, there can be freedom to challenge the basis of assessment of the other…without simply judging them as either hating a group of lives or hating God. Similarly, within a particular community united by Christ, I believe we can cultivate a shared life in which it is safe to disagree without fear of being prematurely and unfairly judged.
My hope for families is that they will find freedom to navigate disagreement while maintaining that they may still love one another….with unconditional commitment and care. Before adulthood there may be struggles for control over various choices and activity…but that is a general part of such a season in life. What is most vital…is that love does not have to be questioned. When parents and adult children disagree, I believe there is potential to respect their different households, and in some cases, their potential different communities.
In all such processes, it is vital that we give up the illusion of control…and embrace our influence.
Some Recommended Reading
The following are some recommended books based on having read portions, related articles, and reviews.
From Mark Yarhouse
· Homosexuality and the Christian: A Guide for Parents, Pastors, and Friends by Mark A Yarhouse (2010)
· Understanding Gender Dysphoria: Navigating Transgender Issues in a Changing Culture
by Mark A.Yarhouse (2015)
Mark A. Yarhouse is a professor of psychology and the director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity at Regent University. More from The Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity - http://sexualidentityinstitute.org/
From Andy Comiskey
· Strength in Weakness: Healing Sexual and Relational Brokenness by Andrew Comiskey (2003)
· Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: How Jesus Heals the Homosexual by Andrew Comiskey (1992)
Andy is a former pastor at the Westside Vineyard and the Executive Director and Founder Desert Stream / Living Waters
More from Andy at - http://andrewcomiskey.com/
From Ed Shaw
· Same-Sex Attraction and the Church: The Surprising Plausibility of the Celibate Life by Ed Shaw (2015)
Addresses 9 missteps Christians and their churches take when considering the issue of homosexuality
· Your identity is your sexuality.
· A family is mom, dad, and 2.4 children.
· If you’re born gay, it can’t be wrong to be gay.
· If it makes you happy, it must be right.
· Sex is where true intimacy is found.
· Men and women are equal and interchangeable.
· Godliness is heterosexuality.
· Celibacy is bad for you.
· Suffering is to be avoided.
One reviewer described the valuable relationship which others unmarried have…
While I do not experience same-sex attraction I do find myself celibate and childless in my late 30s as a result of following the Bible's teaching on marrying a believer. The churches I have attended have unfortunately been extremely isolating after I reached 25, largely due to their excessive focus on the biological family. As a result, in the past year I've deeply struggled with the cost of following Christ. I had my own "kitchen floor" moment recently and, after trying to find something online to help me feel even slightly better, ran into an article which mentioned this book.
It was so incredibly encouraging to me and was such a great reminder of the truths I already knew but badly needed to be reminded of. Ed is honest, open and real. I so appreciate his willingness not to be trite on how difficult being single, childless and celibate in this culture can be, no matter the reason, but at the same time remind all of us of why we chose to follow Christ and how worthwhile it is now and certainly will be in the future! This book has been a huge comfort to me.
More from Ed at - http://www.livingout.org/stories/ed