Considering Marriage?
God is all about family. As soon as He created man, He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” The Bible begins with the marriage of Adam and Eve and ends with the wedding feast of Christ and his Bride. The marriage relationship was meant to be a great blessing.
However, the challenges we see many marriages face today reminds us that marriage is also a responsibility that requires appropriate preparation. We realize that in the midst of planning for marriage, some may consider the role of the church to be an “institution” whose “requirements” need to be appeased in order to have a “proper wedding” and the marriage “blessed.” Our desire is to help us all get beyond the emptiness of “jumping through hoops” and discover what is genuinely helpful.
We also recognize that we come from a variety of backgrounds. Some of us were raised in traditional “Christian” backgrounds… some may just be exploring who Christ is for the first time… and some may find themselves somewhere in between. Our hope is that the potential for marriage will be a natural time to stop and consider more deeply our own spiritual foundations for life.
The following is written to offer a brief perspective of the nature of marriage and how best to prepare for such a life. (Our Pre-Marriage Class provides an opportunity to explore the more complete foundations for a great marriage.)
What is God’s Design and Desire for Marriage?
The most important factor in the success and satisfaction of a marriage is one most often overlooked. It is expectations. Expectations are the unseen link between how we experience something and how satisfied we are. Expectations flow from the purpose we believe something is intended to fulfill. If you are writing with a pen you are likely satisfied if it is writing properly because that is what you understand it’s primary purpose to be. While most of us tend to have some reasonable ideas about the meaning and purpose of marriage, we rarely grasp the deeper and defining purpose that can ground our hearts in the midst of life’s challenges.
Marriage is the sacred union between a man and a woman as complimentary beings, which reflects God’s image in giving themselves faithfully to the other in the bonds of a life covenant which bears life-creating potential. Such a covenant is more than a commitment of the human will. It is a sacred covenant to join in the Divine nature of sacrificial love that transcends one’s own self interest. It is not about simply serving the wants and whims of the other….nor of our own personal pleasure. It is about joining together in a partnership that reflects God’s nature and live- creating potential. (“Life-creating potential” refers to the power of reproducing life, which, even when the creating of new life does not take place by choice or circumstances, is still reflected in the potential itself.)
Sound a little ‘lofty’? There is certainly a lighter dimension to marriage. Much of married life flows naturally because God created us for such relationships. However, it is important that we grasp the deeper nature of marriage because every marriage relationship will involve fun as well as frustration… pleasure as well as pain. As such, we need to grasp the true purpose by which the proper expectations can ground and guide the life-long journey. It is helpful to consider that…
· Marriage is more about finding partnership than purpose – It is not reflected by two arrows pointed at each other, but by two arrows bound together and pointed in the same direction.
· Marriage is a covenant – It is not a contract based upon the merits of the other, but a covenant in which one chooses to commit to another with unconditional love.
· Marriage is about joining that which reflects God’s nature – It is therefore more about personal growth (developing God’s nature) than personal fulfillment.
While the Scriptures do not attempt to provide a formula for this process, they do provide some precedent and principles that affirm three aspects to ‘giving of ourselves in the bonds of covenant.’
Personal Bonds – the commitment of hearts to sacrificial love, understanding, and care.
Giving our hearts is more than just a matter of what we feel. Our ‘hearts’ reflect our whole inner disposition… the inner posture we develop for the other person. It involves applying our will in what is being formed in us towards the other. The Scriptures warn us to “guard (our) heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) Jesus explains that God’s intent is that a marriage covenant was never intended to be something that is broken… and any concession made is because of the ‘hardness of heart.’ (Mark 10:5) It is the heart we give and the heart we must guard. The heart is to cultivate love in every facet of our relationship. As Walter Trobisch says in his book, I Married You, "Love is like the blood pulsing through the veins of marriage. It makes it alive."
Communal Bonds - the public and legal declaration that binds our marital commitment to the responsibility and support of community.
The Scriptures exemplify the ‘power of the public profession.’ Just as our relationship with God is personal yet we are called to publically profess our relationship with Christ through public baptism ….so the bonds of marriage covenant may be rooted in a personal commitment, but they are set apart in a communal profession.
The more independent nature of our culture can cause many to minimize the communal aspect of becoming married. Many consider just having a ‘private wedding’ and forgoing the social and sometimes legal aspect of marriage. While it is understandable that many want to avoid the social demands and costs of planning a wedding, it is vital to understand that it is not formality that needs to be fulfilled, but a much more fundamental need for having the marriage covenant recognized and supported by the larger community that it will then live itself out with. When God declares that marriage is one ‘leaving their father and mother and cleaving to another,’ it is a significant transition that creates a new social-communal entity for all to relate to. Only the life-long covenant of marriage provides a defining basis for the community of family and friends to stand in full recognition and support of. (When a couple is living together with a clear choice not to bind themselves in a life-long commitment, it is only natural that family and friends will not embrace the partnership as significant and settled in the same way they would if married.)
On a relational level, when couples become more private during their courtship, they may wonder later why their friends do not seem as supportive of their future decision to marry. In truth, if a relationship has become too separate from others, it has communicated to the friends that their perspective and partnership in life does not matter. Similarly, when couples decide to just get married privately on their own, they often return and soon wonder why others do not seem to surround them in unlimited affirmation and support…not realizing that they have communicated that the affirmation of their family and friends does not matter. We need to embrace the power of family and friends to discern, affirm, and support establishing such a life-long covenant.
This is why weddings have included the reference to joining together ‘before God and these witnesses.’ It is the point at which a couple is declaring that they are now accepting the responsibility of a life-long covenant which is a sacred vow before God and with the needed recognition and responsibility of community. The community serves as ‘witnesses.’ They have traditionally been asked if ‘anyone knows of any reason why this man and women should not be wed.’ This was originally a legal question and the signing of what we now refer to as the ‘guestbook’ was a legal document of the witnesses. We do well to maintain that a wedding is not simply a matter of people attending but of participating as those who affirm and will surround the new bond being established and entered.
The legal facet of marriage is also a part of the communal bonds. In embracing the legal recognition of the ‘State’ we are agreeing to the recognition, responsibility, and rights which can serve our bonds. The legal aspect adds the bond and boundary of declaring well beyond the immediate community of family and friends who may attend our public wedding… that we embrace a new status as married individuals. In a similar way, wedding rings offer a public symbol that we are bound in covenant with another.
Physical Bonds – the sexual intimacy that binds us in the power of exclusive pleasure and life-creating potential
The Scriptures declare that our complimentary nature as male and female is a reflection of God’s nature in a mysterious and wonderful way. God created us as complimentary sexual beings and declared this original created nature to be “very good.” The apostle Paul is very clear that a commitment to marriage must embrace a mutual commitment to maintain the bonds of sexual desire and oneness (1 Corinthians 7:5.) Sexual intimacy is a continual renewal of the vows that have been taken…a continual affirmation that we have now ‘become one flesh.’
The life-long covenant of marriage is that which provides the power of experiencing oneness in sexual intimacy with the security of being bound by the covenant of oneness that has been entered into. Only the life-long covenant of marriage provides the potential of creating lives from such sexual union with the covenant bond of a father and mother.
These three bonds are designed to unfold in a natural process to form and fulfill the covenant of marriage. As the personal bonds galvanize into a decision to become life partners, the covenant is entered in the public bonds of the recognition and responsibility of community, and consummated in the physical bonds of sexual union.
The personal bonds without the others will be vulnerable to every toss and turn of the heart. The heart will have a difficult time maintaining it’s bearings without being surrounded by the communal commitment that it is bound in.
The communal bonds without the others is just a social ceremony and a legal document.
The sexual bond without the others only creates an experience of oneness that lacks the very relational bonds of “being united” that it reflects. (Jesus spoke this truth into the life of a woman he met at a well. John 4:17-18.) To experience sexual union, which is by nature the most deeply personal and powerful, without having truly given ourselves to the other person in the bonds of marriage, is by nature a state of tension even if we are only minimally conscious of it. It will lead to bonds by which one may already “feel oneness” and therefore loses the appropriate objectivity and freedom to properly consider the choice of making a marriage commitment. If one is already saying “yes” to such a personal uniting, it is hard to then consider saying “no” to marriage even when there may be good reasons to do so. (The opposite way of alleviating the tension is by trying to detach ourselves from the personal nature of sexual intimacy with the idea of “casual sex.” However, trying to separate ‘our being’ from ‘our body’ will never honor either as they can only be honored when united together.)
Why share so much thought about the nature of marriage? It’s not because we expect that every relationship will reflect such an understanding. We share this because we want to offer every couple considering marriage an opportunity to reflect upon their own process. We want to help every couple to think deeply about what it means to not only get married….but to build a marriage. Consider how such a higher purpose of marriage can help shape your own expectations? What are some aspects of the personal, communal, and physical bonds that might add light to your own process?
In light of such of an understanding of marriage, we value the process of developing a solid foundation for truly knowing the other person, a reasonable season of decision making and then preparation that should be taken seriously.
How Can We Best Prepare for Marriage?
While many couples find that their relationship is the source of positive feelings, such as a sense of belonging, companionship, potential sexual pleasure, and fun…there is wisdom in recognizing that there will be challenges in building a partnership throughout a lifetime. To give ourselves fully and faithfully to another for the rest of our lives naturally calls for a significant level of responsibility.
Considering Marriage…
Is there anything to do except fall in love, pop the question, and pick a date?
· Seek God’s wisdom about your relationship. Spend time praying and asking for God’s insight and confirmation.
· Consider your life goals and values. Does this potential marriage fit into your calling and mission in life?
· If you are unsure and have areas of concern, seek the perspective of mature friends, mentors, or pastors in your life.
· Depending on your age and family circumstances, consider asking for parental blessing before you get engaged. It is good to honor parents, authorities, and coverings in our life whenever possible.
· If you are coming out of a divorce, you should live as a “married” person until legally divorced. You should also consider a divorce recovery program to help you gain a healthy understanding of your past and recalibrate your heart for the future. (The Westside Vineyard can also provide you with some helpful material on our view of what Christ teaches about divorce and remarriage.)
Preparing for Marriage…
Once we have decided to get married and want our wedding to involve the Westside Vineyard, is there anything more we should expect than just calling the church office with a date? What’s involved with having a pastor of the Westside Vineyard marry us?
We understand that many couples are carrying a lot of excitement about their decision to get married and may view any requirements by the church community to be “questioning” such excitement. Our desire is to truly serve your relationship by helping establish foundations that will ensure not just a great wedding….but a great life together.
The role of a pastor in presiding over a wedding is intended to be that of representing the community of God in blessing a choice to enter marriage that has been recognized as fitting and prepared. We do not accept the role of simply being the “performers of religious rituals.” We believe our role of blessing the choice to enter a marriage covenant involves a responsibility to establish solid foundations for such a commitment. Over the years, based upon the wisdom of Scripture, experience, and research, we have established the following requirements as responsible foundations to bless a marriage in good conscience.
1. Share a similar heart of surrender to God and commitment to know and follow the way of Christ.
2. Have known each other on a regular interactive basis for at least one year. While it’s not uncommon for some relationships to quickly feel a deep connection and confidence about having found “the right person,” it takes some time to even begin to really know someone clearly. It involves shifting from the initial excitement to the more common experiences of life… from the initial point of connection to the broader scope of each individual’s life… from personal time to time shared with others.
3. Stability in managing basic life circumstances. Both partners should have a reasonable degree of emotional, relational, and financial stability. We do not believe it is responsible to make a commitment to marriage if either partner is in the midst of emotional or relational crisis, potential bankruptcy, or addictions that affect life responsibilities.
4. Completion of our Pre-Marriage Class. This class will help you prepare for the practical challenges involved with unspoken expectations, communication, handling conflict, decision making, finances, spirituality, and sexual intimacy. If this 7 week class is not offered within a reasonable time, we welcome taking our course via DVDs or any similar course (i.e., 5-8 weeks) through another church. This process is to be followed up by one or more personal meetings with a pastor involved. We understand that many may feel they already know enough about each other and marriage. However, couple’s who have completed the class have consistently confirmed that the class process created some vital conversations and clarity they had not had.
5. The involvement of some element of “community” in the wedding. We believe a marriage involves a “communal bond” in which a couple is inviting family and friends into a mutual commitment to the new social-communal entity which a marriage is. Those attending a wedding are not mere spectators, but rather serve as a communal blessing and commitment to the vows they are witnesses to. While we don’t want to over-define what constitutes “community,” we believe that it is antithetical to the meaning of a wedding, not to include the presence of some significant relationships.
When it’s time to move forward…
The following are steps to take when you believe that it is time to move forward with plans to be married.
· Sign up for the Pre-Marriage Class, or if not offered in a reasonable time frame, contact one of the pastoral staff to make arrangements for one of the alternatives.
· If desiring to have your wedding at the Westside Vineyard, contact the church office to get a wedding packet, discuss availability of dates you may want to secure, and be assigned a wedding coordinator.
· Meet with a Westside Vineyard wedding coordinator to discuss specifics related to your plans and use of the facility.
· If desiring to be married by one of the Westside Vineyard pastoral team, secure your planned date with them. You may also meet with them at any time to discuss your relationship. It is generally recommended that you do so after completing the Pre-Marriage Class as you will be able to discuss what you have learned from the class and review the Prepare-Enrich assessment which is part of the class process.
Common Questions
What if we want to get married by someone other than a pastor of the Westside Vineyard?
We welcome others to officiate your wedding. What is important to us is that they share the same basic Christ – centered value for honoring God and the integrity of preparing for such a commitment. Therefore, if we do not already know the individual, we require from them a letter or phone conversation, which conveys 1) a generally ‘evangelical’ perspective of Christ-centered faith, and 2) a commitment to a reasonable degree of preparation for marriage (i.e. pre-marriage counseling or class provided by the pastor or some other means.) This must be provided prior to establishing final confirmation.
What if we get married apart from the church’s process and involvement?
If you are a part of the Westside Vineyard, naturally we hope you will value the wisdom we believe will best serve your future….including the involvement of some form of community in your process. However, if you get married apart from our involvement, we will always be committed to support those who are married and their future.
What if we are already being sexually intimate or living together?
We recognize that more couples are choosing to live together either before marriage or even as a long term alternative to marriage. We also recognize that the reasons vary – including fear of marriage based upon the pain of divorce in their own family experience, the desire to test compatibility before making a life-long commitment, the economic value of more cost-efficient living arrangements, and of course the natural desire to start enjoying live-in companionship and sexual intimacy.
With such a diversity of underlying circumstances and reasons, we do not carry any negative assumptions about the hearts and motives involved. We recognize that there are couples living together who have shown more respect for the heart of marriage than many who may be officially married yet notably irresponsible for the way they have entered that state. Our desire is to speak God’s heart and mind into the unique dynamics involved in your choice. While living together before marriage has been embraced by our current western culture as the “smart” thing to do, thirty years of modern social research indicates that cohabitation can bring negative influences to the foundation of marriage, including accepting the insecurity of a ‘conditional commitment,’ the assumption that sexual fulfillment is a need separated from the sacred responsibility of creating life, and developing bonds which limit objectively assessing the compatibility for making life-long commitment.
Regarding sexual intimacy before marriage, we believe that God’s design and desire is very clear – the intimacy of becoming “one flesh” in sexual intimacy is only appropriate as the consummation of uniting in the covenant of marriage. Sexual passion is the stimulating of a God-given longing for oneness through the pleasure of releasing both personal and physical boundaries… therefore it’s inherently a part of lifelong partnership. Experiencing ‘oneness,’ without being truly united as ‘one,’ violates our personhood. While the relationship may find pleasure in the bonding, it is those very bonds which can later prove to have taken something from the partner which was intended only for their life-partner. As such, sexual intimacy outside of marriage violates our conscience with God. We realize that within our current culture this may be dismissed, but in truth, the "sexual freedom" of our time isn't free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs.
Therefore, if you have been engaged in the power of experiencing ‘oneness’ but are not prepared to give yourselves in life-long ‘oneness’ yet, we will call you to move apart and restore appropriate boundaries. You should honor God’s goodness for each other by thoughtfully ending the bonds of sexual union and ‘making home together.’ We understand that this can involve some significant practical and relational transitions and want to offer our support. If you have deemed yourselves to already be ‘married in every way other than legally,’ perhaps having already created children together, and if your relationship is sound, we will call you to complete your oneness by entering into a marriage covenant before God and your community. In essence, if you are considering marriage, our desire is to help you grasp God’s true meaning of marriage…and then help you to step up to it…or step out of ‘playing’ a partial version of it.